Archive for November, 2010|Monthly archive page

Ploenchit Fair & Battery Operated Dogs

Happy Monday all!

Weekend was brilliant, considering Robbie is not home. Saturday my fabulous friend, who is a teacher at Shrewsbury International School, invited me to the annual Ploenchit Fair. Normally I would refuse. I hate fairs, crowds, loud speakers, other peoples hideous kids, clowns, warm beer in plastic cups, public toilets, traffic, walking, shooting games, pizza slices on soggy paper plates, bargain bins………..but I decided to make an exception because I my social life is limited at best 😉

So off we went. I caught the BTS to the river and took a boat taxi. What a fabulous way to get to school, on a wooden boat! Brilliant. The fair was actually pretty cool. If I could wave a magic wand and make the kids disappear it would have almost been perfect. Although it was funny seeing them flung around on bungee cords….

I am not normally a beer garden fan, but this one was special. It was the grass that got me. It was thick, lush, green, clean, so perfect I thought it was fake. It’s that grass you find in Bristish parks where you can’t resist taking off your shoes and feeling the tickle underfoot. This is a precious and rare luxury in thailand because all parks are filled with dog poo, mosquito lava, glass, tins, plastic, cans, wee, mud and the occassional komando dragon.

As i sat there with my COLD beer (yes, in a plastic cup), shoes off & toes scrunching the grass, watching the glistening river and laughing at old folk getting drunk and dancing badly (flash back to my childhood!) I felt wonderful. Two cups of beer later I felt more wonderful. At the expat shop I bought chocolate digestive biscuts and a tube of Jaffa Cakes for Robbies stocking.

Saturday night I was off to the gorgeous Long Table for dinner with friends and a rather big party. Champagne, wine and tequila were consumed and somehow I ended up on Soi Cowboy, outside a go go bar with an electronic dancing dog on my lap. Sunday I slept and at the chocolate digestives.

Now that’s a good weekend.

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And here we have ‘a goose’

Robbie called me from Patong, Bangla Road last night with a rather humorous story. He had decided to go for a quiet beer after work on the infamous Bangla Road to watch white trash and lady boys in cat suits get drunk and hook up. (makes you feel better about your life no matter how low you feel)

The charming lady boy serving him gave him one of those cold towls that you use to rub over your face to cool down in the humidity. When Robbie was done the lady boy took his white towl, folded it into the most perfect little bird, painted the beak and toes with red nail varnish and gave it back to him.

It will soon take its place on the new bodega bar opening 1 December 🙂

Cranium Crunch

I just had THE worst foot massage in history. As some of you may know, a foot massage in Thailand means a lot more than just that (and i’m not talking about when you are a man). They will massage your feet, legs, arms, hands, back, neck, face and head.

The massage parlor in my office block is fairly used to seeing me and they know I don’t like my face and hair messed up as I have to return to work (I learnt this the hard way: walking out with clumped eye lashes, lip gloss on left cheek and pony tail in side bun)

Firstly this crazy woman started to talk to me. Now we all know when we want a massage, we want peace and quiet. I don’t CARE that the dude you are dating is a married foreigner from Germany who won’t return your calls after getting pregnant.

Just as I was nodding off (the exact point when they are half way through the second foot) she piped up with ‘so how long have you lived here? are you married? how old are you? how many babies have you got?’ etc and as my fury rose so did her need to punish my bones.

At one point, her right knee was pressing into the back of my neck. She cracked, twisted, poked and crunched every single part of my poor bod. I actually cried out while she leant her entire body weight onto my shin with her knee (???) and she said ‘aha, pain haaaaaa’

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. As I hobbled towards the elevator I noticed some people looking at me oddly. In my haste I hadn’t noticed my destroyed ‘look’ My hair was ‘ok’ but there were a few straggly bits floating around, my top button had bust open revealing (thankfully) my vest, my necklace pendant was hanging around the back of my neck, my collar was up on one side (not in a cool way) and my entire shirt had shifted 5 degrees to the right.

Even my throat hurts 😦

HouseKeeping Drama

Bad news – my new cleaner (and friend?) have wrecked my life – and my apartment. I got home from work yesterday to find:

1) all my lounge furniture in the wrong place – and not by just a few centimeters, the two seater couch was up agaisnt the wall where the TV is, the foot rest was in the kitchen, and the side cabinet was milling randomly in the hall-way

2) Spare bathroom totally ingored – dust lined the sink (clean sign Robbie is away) and Fin’s hairs lined the floor

3) She selectively ironed the stack I left out for her – she left ALL the linen in a crumpled heap (I understand ironing sheets is satanic but STILL)

4) The 300 Baht I gave her to buy new cleaning products was nowhere to be seen and nor were the new cleaning products. She mopped the floor with my lemon scented dish washing liquid

5) Every single electrical appliance was unplugged and moved juuuuust out of range of the cable. The table top stove, the kettle, my hair dryer, GHD, phone charger – all unplugged and heaped in a pile (who does that?)

6) My bed looked like it had been made by an epileptic 3 year old. AND there were distinctive Finbar mud footpints across the bottom of the white duvet????????

7) I can’t find anything. My DVD’s, salt shaker, TV remote, calculator (don’t ask) and my gorgeous ‘home is where the heart is’ gift bowl from Leah. Don’t stress Leah – I will find it, am sure it’s somewhere logical like IN the microwave 😦

I cannot describe my distress. Tears did flow.

House Keeping

As you all know, my Thai language skills are basic at best. I  know numbers, directions, basic greetings, hot (when ordering tea), chicken, water, airport, please, thank you and bird shit farang 😉 What I don’t know is how to explain how I want my condo cleaned to my new house keeper!

She arrived at 7:30am this morning as promised….with a friend (not part of the promise). After 20 minutes acting like cleaning liquid, showing her where to hang clothes and how to make Finbar ‘sit’ we all smiled and parted ways.

As I darted out the door I glanced back to see ‘the friend’ re-organising my Hello Magazine stack and had an inner scream moment – they are date ordered.

My colleagues are passing around dried seaweed sheets as a breakfast snack, bet you wish you were me right now.

Apologies for lame entry, am suffering from bloggers block 😦

Loi Krathong Festival

This weekend was a little odd. With Robbie being away I get to do things out of the ordinary like stay in my PJ’s till 2pm and watch the entire 5th season of Desperate Housewives (saving season 6 for next weekend). Marmite on toast, tuna mayo on crackers, peach halves in syryp, sour worms and lime cordial. Wow, don’t I sound like the party animal 😉

Anyway, it was Loi Krathong Festival this weekend so there were heaps of fireworks and activity around water. Everyone buys these little floating things that have flowers and sparkles attached, which you light and release into the water. It’s very pretty seeing the flames bobbing across the lake as grown-ups clung to their squealing children.

Loi Krathong Festival 

“Loi” means “to float” and a “krathong” is traditionally made from a section of banana tree trunk. Modern krathongs are more often made of bread or styrofoam. A bread krathong will disintegrate in a few a days and be eaten by fish and other animals. The traditional banana stalk krathongs are also biodegradable, but styrofoam krathongs are frowned on, since they are polluting and may take years to disappear. Regardless of the composition, a krathong will be decorated with elaborately-folded banana leaves, flowers, candles and incense sticks. A low value coin is sometimes included as an offering to the river spirits. (source: wikipedia)

It was a little busy for my liking. A bit like being at a concert but without the music and with mud….. and prams. It was lovely however, seeing the delight in my friends childs eyes as she released her floating candles – the reflection of the flames dancing in her moist eyes and she stared in awe, unblinking, as her creation joined the thousands of other symbols of cleansing.

pics to follow

Dodgy Dude

Hillarious story.

So this guest turns up at Bodega. Really odd Asian girl who seems like she is acting dumb although Robbie and his team couldn’t figure out if it was an act or not. Anyway, she arrived by private car and explained how this driver had insisted on taking her from the airport to Bodega, and was now hounding her for a full day tour. Robbie told her not to worry.

Next morning, dodgy taxi man was circling the block waiting for her to finish her breakfast. The girl asks Robbie and Amann to please tell him to go away as she feels harrassed.

Robbie and Amann go over to the guy in his car and thank him for giving the girl the ride but politely ask him to leave. Taxi dude reaches down into footwell and pulls out………..AN AXE! He gets out his car and stands there waving the axe in the air shouting nonsense in Thai. Amann,(if you haven’t met him, is the smallest most non-threatening person in history) leaps forward and shouts in his face to back off, take his axe and leave Bodega immediately! His little chest puffed out and his megawat smile over-come with an angry grimmace.

Axe-man retreats back into car, slots Axe under seat and drives off.

hahahahaha

Home Alone….again

Robbie left at 6am this morning to power off t oPhuket and take over the entire street in Patong. As most of you will know, we are expanding to an additional 27 en suite rooms so it’s all very exciting and very stressful. Hiring, firing and new staff calling in sick on the first day – gotta love it.

Lucky for me Robbie made me a HUGE portion of spag bol, seperated into zip lock bags (it’s all about portion control) so I am eating that for the next four days. Just add cheese mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

If I could, I would melt my body weight in cheese, pour it in a bath and slumph around in it in pure joy. Don’t you just LOVE cheese?

Inggy, my fabulous friend from work, hooked me up with the 6th season of Desperate Housewives.

Laters peeps

x

googleimage.com

My New Fabulous Pen Pal

I am a Fruit

Not sure if all of you know this, but foreigners are affectionately referred to as ‘Farang’ in Thai (sometimes written or pronouned Falang)

I was told the other day that skanky foreigners, like the sex-pats lurking the go go bars, are referred to (less affectionately) as ‘Farang Khi Nok’ which  means ‘bird shit foreigner’

Anyway, my colleague offered me some sliced fruit yesterday. It was slightly  dry (not overly juicy), slightly sour, slightly sweet with a light green skin and white flesh. As I chomped through my slice I asked for the name in Thai. He smiled and said ‘Farang’ and then burst out laughing.

So it turns out the name for foreigner is actually this guava fruit. A quick search on Wikipedia tells me that this is because the guava was brought to then Siam by Portuguese traders over 400 years ago. The tree was thus called the farang fruit. There is much laughter when a Farang eats a farang 😉

Wikipedia Farang

Farang (Guava)