Magotted Auzzies

Yes, you guessed it, I was sitting minding my own business having a G&T after work and in walked ‘Two Beauts’ the crazy auzzie bird. In fact, she walked out the pub – she had been inside….since 9am….drinking. Why you ask? She has fed some street dogs at 8am and trawled the road in tears and hysteria until a bar girl asked her to drown her sorrows in the bar. It was almost 10am after all. So she did. And there she had stayed until I saw her at 7pm, barefoot and twatted.

She told me she had found ‘the love of her life’ and he was sitting inside. In fact she said ‘the loves of my life’ Yes, you guessed it, there were two men inside. Two Nigerian ex-footballers apparently. She grabbed my arm excusing herself for being ‘maggoted drunk’ and forced me inside to meet her ‘two future ex husbands’ There they sat, big, strong, tall and very dark. They had big gleaming smiles, gold rings and long island iced teas. Instead of introducing me, she leant forward to one ‘brother’ (her words, not mine) and started making out with him. So there I stood, while she still held my hand and thrusted her tounge down this random blocks throat. Awkward? I think so.

I shook my hand free and darted back outside to cling to Robbie. She soon followed to tell me how she had helped get a fellow auzzie out of prison the day before. ‘What had he done?’ I asked, ‘he whistled at a gogo girl and she threw her shoe at him and called the cops’ ‘how did you get him out of prison?’ ‘easy’ she said ‘i used to be a JP (Justic of the Peace) in Australia so I have all the contacts….and I helped pay off the cops with 10,000 Baht’

Her friend and fellow bargain hunter (did I mention she comes out three times a year to buy cheap wholesale pashminias and flipflops to sell back in Auz) soon joined us and proved to be a total nutter too. I guess friends of a feather eh? She cornered me and made me look at 110 photos on her digi-cam of shoes, bags, pashminas, necklaces, earrings – all the crap she had bought to sell back home. As nuts as these two are (this chick had been carrying a black jazz hat around in a plastic bag for two days waiting for ‘the moment to bust out my moves to the right song’) they make a packet with his little business of theirs. Sometimes you have to wonder if there is genius in madness.

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1 comment so far

  1. Lisa on

    Oh my gosh. This one’s a keeper. A real “beaut” 😉


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